Managing Absence

In my last post I mentioned how Vicky and I had agreed for me to accept additional away work for a season. 

There haven't been any real surprises and we are achieving what we had set out to do. For now at least we will continue toward the self imposed deadline we originally set.


Here are a few things that have placed us well to navigate this season.

Agreement
You can refer back to my previous post for more on this, but essentially we started in agreement and continue in agreement through regular and honest discussion.

Daily Contact
When I'm away Vicky and I touch base daily. Connectivity is sometimes an issue but so far we have been able to maintain phone contact. Neither of us are inclined to spend hours on the phone, but the simple, regular opportunity to hear each other's voices is invaluable in helping to maintain our connection. We supplement our chats with public and private social media connections.
I also started a family chat group in messenger which expands our communication to the immediate family around us. This has been a real bonus with comments, photos and even videos shared of what is going on in all of our lives.

The Usual Boundaries
Apart or together, Vicky and I have boundaries that we live within to protect us and our marriage. Boundaries that govern our behaviours, associations and accountability levels. Being apart doesn't mean we take a holiday from these protective practices, and it may be that our boundaries become even more important when we are operating with a distance between us.

​Honest Evaluation
We started by weighing up the pros and cons of this decision and we continue to re-evaluate as we go. We ask ourselves if our current course is delivering the results we wanted and are the trade-offs inline with our expectations. We also examine how we feel about our progress and how we are managing ourselves in it. We've agreed that if one of us begins to have difficulty we will adjust or terminate our plans. The relationship and our health within it are more important than any external outcomes.

Deliberate Reconnection
It would always be our desire to reconnect if we have been apart for any length of time. What became immediately clear to both of us that while we desired to reconnect, it was also a necessity. What we discovered was that if we didn't allow sufficient time together on my return, we would carry a sense of anxiety. By intentionally carving out sufficient alone time with one another, we re-established our equilibrium.​

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The main feature of these times is conversation that typically meanders around filling in the blanks of what happened while we were apart through shallows and depths, laughter and serious conversation. We've created an array of times and spaces and activities that foster a quality into our quantity of time together.

In contrast, I have observed other couples who don't manage to prioritise each other by deliberately re/connecting and you can see that a distance remains between them even when they are together.
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​How do you manage your marriage connection?

Enthusiastically,
Steven and Vicky Bolt

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